Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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