my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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