My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
