what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
