I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
