i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
