Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
