If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
