My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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