So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
