atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
