The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
