I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Found the puke drawer
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
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