That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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