we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
