Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
