I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
