you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
