Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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