in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
