All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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