Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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