Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
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