I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Shame - the story of my life.
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