I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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