i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
