remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
