if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
