we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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