His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my poor anus
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
