Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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