Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
