I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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