I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
