I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
