you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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