3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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