There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
