I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
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