My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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