I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
