Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
how does that bad decision feel?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
