I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
