I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
