Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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