well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
