i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
