The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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