You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
