i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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