Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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