I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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