I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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