I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
